Day 40
Its been 24 hours since Governor Baker's announcement that schools will remain online for the remainder of the 2019/2020 school year.
I expected it but it's still a hard pill to swallow.
Back when WPI announced their closure and the move to online for D term I cried for Ryan. College has a huge social component and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. The kid who blossomed when he got to college was now home. His fraternity closed. His friends back at their respective homes.
And yesterday's announcement threw any idea of Elisa and Lauren going back in person to finish out their Junior year out the window. The in-person social component is gone. The daily rituals of them getting up, stressing about being late, rushing out the door - cut short. Prom, Junior Trip, the start of off-campus privileges as a junior all stopped before they even started. In the big picture I know it will be ok but it's hard to see their world come crashing down around them because at 17 this is a big deal.
Tears for Andrew who won't get to finish out his first year as a teacher in the normal way. The remainder of his first year of teaching now remote.
So today I shed tears for them. Tears for the loss of their norm. Wanting to so desperately to fix it but knowing there is nothing that I can do to bring their lives back to "normal". Nothing I can do to give them back the experiences they have been waiting for. This hurts more than I ever expected. One day they were at school, the next they were home, for the rest of the school year. No time to prepare. No time to wrap up loose ends. No time to laugh with their friends and talk about summer plans. Just upheaval. And tears.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Monday, April 20, 2020
Guilt of the store
Day 38
I went to the store today. I suppose you could say it was an essential trip as I did buy a few packages of pasta and a hose but I also bought some unnecessary items.
I actually felt guilty. Felt bad for the cashier having to expose herself to people shopping for frivolous things. Felt guilty thinking I could have potentially brought something into our house and exposing our kids for nothing more than a trip that could have waited.
I needed some normalcy. I needed to go out and see what was happening in the world at a place that wasn't the grocery store or the Target pick up line.
Strange to feel this way while doing something that was so normally 6 weeks ago.
The mental fight knowing we should stay home vs. the desire for normalcy is real. Oh so real.
I went to the store today. I suppose you could say it was an essential trip as I did buy a few packages of pasta and a hose but I also bought some unnecessary items.
I actually felt guilty. Felt bad for the cashier having to expose herself to people shopping for frivolous things. Felt guilty thinking I could have potentially brought something into our house and exposing our kids for nothing more than a trip that could have waited.
I needed some normalcy. I needed to go out and see what was happening in the world at a place that wasn't the grocery store or the Target pick up line.
Strange to feel this way while doing something that was so normally 6 weeks ago.
The mental fight knowing we should stay home vs. the desire for normalcy is real. Oh so real.
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Alone .... but not alone
Day 27
Alone
Alone
Seems like an odd feeling to have when there are 6 other people in the house but that is how I am feeling almost 4 weeks into this pandemic.
Chris "goes" to work.
Ryan, Elisa and Lauren "go" to school.
Kingston and Jadiel do their little boy thing oblivious to what is going on.
At the end of the day everyone "comes home". They put away their laptops, step out of the office and want to relax. And I get that but it just continues my alone time. They all interact with humans outside of this house even if it is by screen or phone at some point during the day. I really don't have that so unless someone is willing to sit and play a game or just talk, I am alone.
I am longing for interaction that doesn't involve discussing gross little boy things or trying to get someone to help pick something up. I miss the periodic lunch out with friends. I miss the bumping into a friend unexpectedly at the store. I miss the small talk I have with cashiers. I miss the adult interaction when picking the little boys up at school.
While I enjoy the peace and quiet of the house before this all started, the extreme of this is overwhelmingly lonely.
Chris "goes" to work.
Ryan, Elisa and Lauren "go" to school.
Kingston and Jadiel do their little boy thing oblivious to what is going on.
At the end of the day everyone "comes home". They put away their laptops, step out of the office and want to relax. And I get that but it just continues my alone time. They all interact with humans outside of this house even if it is by screen or phone at some point during the day. I really don't have that so unless someone is willing to sit and play a game or just talk, I am alone.
I am longing for interaction that doesn't involve discussing gross little boy things or trying to get someone to help pick something up. I miss the periodic lunch out with friends. I miss the bumping into a friend unexpectedly at the store. I miss the small talk I have with cashiers. I miss the adult interaction when picking the little boys up at school.
While I enjoy the peace and quiet of the house before this all started, the extreme of this is overwhelmingly lonely.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Masks and dinner
Day 24
On 4/2 the CDC recommended that anyone who needed to go out wear something to cover their face. One of the concerns in all of this was asymptomatic people passing the virus on to others without knowing it. The masks, or so they say, may help.
So I sewed each of us a mask (including the little boys) as well as a few extra for my parents. Andrew also asked for a few so I will work on some for him and mail them to the Cape next week.
Chris also went to the basement looking to see if we had any leftover N95 masks from when we did the drywall in the basement many years ago. He found 4 tucked away in a box.
Early afternoon my parents took a ride out to deliver dinner and pick up their masks. They stayed in the driveway and we kept our distance (well, at least most of us did, the social distancing thing still seems a bit foreign to my mother who thought nothing of trying to help one of the little boys out with his bike). It was odd to not invite them in.
If you had asked me 4 weeks ago if I'd be sewing masks and forbidding my parents from coming into our home, I would have thought you were crazy. But here we are.
On 4/2 the CDC recommended that anyone who needed to go out wear something to cover their face. One of the concerns in all of this was asymptomatic people passing the virus on to others without knowing it. The masks, or so they say, may help.
So I sewed each of us a mask (including the little boys) as well as a few extra for my parents. Andrew also asked for a few so I will work on some for him and mail them to the Cape next week.
Chris also went to the basement looking to see if we had any leftover N95 masks from when we did the drywall in the basement many years ago. He found 4 tucked away in a box.
Early afternoon my parents took a ride out to deliver dinner and pick up their masks. They stayed in the driveway and we kept our distance (well, at least most of us did, the social distancing thing still seems a bit foreign to my mother who thought nothing of trying to help one of the little boys out with his bike). It was odd to not invite them in.
If you had asked me 4 weeks ago if I'd be sewing masks and forbidding my parents from coming into our home, I would have thought you were crazy. But here we are.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Birthday Parades
Day 23
Kids look forward to their next birthday the day after their last. That is a fact.
So when you are turning 3 and you can't have anyone over to celebrate, your friends plan a parade.
Londyn turned 3 today and about 20 cars met down the street from her house to make a parade of cars. Gigantic pool floats, Sven from Frozen, streamers, signs, honking horns, blaring music, candy and presents being throw from car windows...it was a 3-year-olds dream come true.
People know how to make the best of any situation and this was no different. Seeing her smile made everything seem OK, even if just for a few minutes. And the little boys were super excited just to go somewhere in the car. The last time they had gone anywhere in the car was 3/25 (McDonald's drive-thru).... a good reminder that the little things really do matter.
Kids look forward to their next birthday the day after their last. That is a fact.
So when you are turning 3 and you can't have anyone over to celebrate, your friends plan a parade.
Londyn turned 3 today and about 20 cars met down the street from her house to make a parade of cars. Gigantic pool floats, Sven from Frozen, streamers, signs, honking horns, blaring music, candy and presents being throw from car windows...it was a 3-year-olds dream come true.
People know how to make the best of any situation and this was no different. Seeing her smile made everything seem OK, even if just for a few minutes. And the little boys were super excited just to go somewhere in the car. The last time they had gone anywhere in the car was 3/25 (McDonald's drive-thru).... a good reminder that the little things really do matter.
Friday, April 3, 2020
When the anxiety begins at 4am...
Day 22
I had to grocery shop. I planned, wrote lists, rearranged the lists, edited the lists, finalized the lists and went to bed...
until 4am when the anxiety and fear of going to the grocery store hit full force. I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling. A quick look at my phone showed that Walmart.com had a pick up spot open for Saturday between 2 and 3pm. But it was 4:12am and although anxious, the thought of getting up at 4am to put my order in before 5:12am was a bit much. I eventually fell asleep, waking at 7am to ZERO pick up times available at any location within a 50 miles radius of us.
So I get myself ready.
I put a change of pants in the garage and I head out to Shop N Save in Ayer. Not my normal spot for big shopping but its small and usually less crowded.
I wear my waterproof rain jacket zipped up high and a mask covering my face. I opt not to wear gloves in the store as my shopping list is on my phone and rumor has it gloves aren't much help in shopping situations anyway.
I shop for 2 weeks worth of groceries. I hope anyway. My cart was overflowing and I was balancing the produce on top as I made my way to the checkout. Dots on the floor mark the "wait here" social distancing recommendations. I am home within 90 minutes but it felt like forever.
I change in the garage and don't wear my shoes into the house. I have the kids help carry groceries in but instruct them to just put them on the counter.
I wash my hands, empty a bag, wash my hands, empty a bag. I do this until $400 in groceries are stored away.
And then I sat down and hoped this would last 2 weeks so I wouldn't have to go out again. And the second doubt started crossing my mind that they wouldn't, the anxiety started all over again.
I had to grocery shop. I planned, wrote lists, rearranged the lists, edited the lists, finalized the lists and went to bed...
until 4am when the anxiety and fear of going to the grocery store hit full force. I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling. A quick look at my phone showed that Walmart.com had a pick up spot open for Saturday between 2 and 3pm. But it was 4:12am and although anxious, the thought of getting up at 4am to put my order in before 5:12am was a bit much. I eventually fell asleep, waking at 7am to ZERO pick up times available at any location within a 50 miles radius of us.
So I get myself ready.
I put a change of pants in the garage and I head out to Shop N Save in Ayer. Not my normal spot for big shopping but its small and usually less crowded.
I wear my waterproof rain jacket zipped up high and a mask covering my face. I opt not to wear gloves in the store as my shopping list is on my phone and rumor has it gloves aren't much help in shopping situations anyway.
I shop for 2 weeks worth of groceries. I hope anyway. My cart was overflowing and I was balancing the produce on top as I made my way to the checkout. Dots on the floor mark the "wait here" social distancing recommendations. I am home within 90 minutes but it felt like forever.
I change in the garage and don't wear my shoes into the house. I have the kids help carry groceries in but instruct them to just put them on the counter.
I wash my hands, empty a bag, wash my hands, empty a bag. I do this until $400 in groceries are stored away.
And then I sat down and hoped this would last 2 weeks so I wouldn't have to go out again. And the second doubt started crossing my mind that they wouldn't, the anxiety started all over again.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Planning for the unplanned...
Day 20
Planning...
It consumes me lately.
Planning things for the little boys to do.
Planning things for the big kids to do.
Planning each meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and the snacks in between.
Meals consume a big portion of the planning.
Before the pandemic hit, going to the grocery store was no big deal. Forgot something? Just grab it the next time you are out. Decide you don't like what you had planned? Run out and switch it up. I pre-planned dinners only and made sure there was at least cereal for breakfast. Sometimes I would grab something for lunches on the weekends but I always banked on there being leftovers.
If the girls didn't find what they wanted for breakfast, they could grab something at school. Everyone was at school or work during lunch so that was easy. But now...
7 people are home 24/7. For every meal. For everything they put in their mouth. And they eat, a lot. Not a crazy amount but enough that the full refrigerator is empty by week's end.
I picked up canned goods and a few boxes of Mac and Cheese a month ago. I'm afraid to use it. Afraid that if I get sick, if Chris gets sick, that the kids will need easy to grab things.
So I plan.
Breakfast is the easiest. Eggs, Cereal, Yogurt, Toast.
Lunch requires a bit more planning because if I don't have enough of the same thing for 7 of us, I become a short-order cook.
Dinner is always preplanned. Main dish and sides. Written out in a neat and organized list.
But this time forgetting isn't as easy as jumping into the car. This time, planning means realizing I have to go out in a public space. Where germs are. Where I don't want to be.
So I write my list. Sort everything by aisle the best that I can. Wish that I was the type of mom that could serve my kids processed crap for the next two weeks so that I could grab some cans and run but I'm not. So I plan.
And this time I plan for two weeks. Two weeks' worth of groceries so I don't have to go out to a public space for two weeks. Plan for "longer lasting" vegetables. Plan for 7 people for 14 days. And when Chris acts surprised when he sees how long the list is I cringe. Cringe because the grocery bill has been astronomically high.
The planning keeps my mind off the situation at hand so maybe its been beneficial and I just don't realize it. Let's see how I feel about not having all this planning next week.
Planning...
It consumes me lately.
Planning things for the little boys to do.
Planning things for the big kids to do.
Planning each meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and the snacks in between.
Meals consume a big portion of the planning.
Before the pandemic hit, going to the grocery store was no big deal. Forgot something? Just grab it the next time you are out. Decide you don't like what you had planned? Run out and switch it up. I pre-planned dinners only and made sure there was at least cereal for breakfast. Sometimes I would grab something for lunches on the weekends but I always banked on there being leftovers.
If the girls didn't find what they wanted for breakfast, they could grab something at school. Everyone was at school or work during lunch so that was easy. But now...
7 people are home 24/7. For every meal. For everything they put in their mouth. And they eat, a lot. Not a crazy amount but enough that the full refrigerator is empty by week's end.
I picked up canned goods and a few boxes of Mac and Cheese a month ago. I'm afraid to use it. Afraid that if I get sick, if Chris gets sick, that the kids will need easy to grab things.
So I plan.
Breakfast is the easiest. Eggs, Cereal, Yogurt, Toast.
Lunch requires a bit more planning because if I don't have enough of the same thing for 7 of us, I become a short-order cook.
Dinner is always preplanned. Main dish and sides. Written out in a neat and organized list.
But this time forgetting isn't as easy as jumping into the car. This time, planning means realizing I have to go out in a public space. Where germs are. Where I don't want to be.
So I write my list. Sort everything by aisle the best that I can. Wish that I was the type of mom that could serve my kids processed crap for the next two weeks so that I could grab some cans and run but I'm not. So I plan.
And this time I plan for two weeks. Two weeks' worth of groceries so I don't have to go out to a public space for two weeks. Plan for "longer lasting" vegetables. Plan for 7 people for 14 days. And when Chris acts surprised when he sees how long the list is I cringe. Cringe because the grocery bill has been astronomically high.
The planning keeps my mind off the situation at hand so maybe its been beneficial and I just don't realize it. Let's see how I feel about not having all this planning next week.
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Pandemic March 2020
Day 19
It's been 10 years since I have published on this blog. Why post after 10 years?
Novel Coronavirus
COVID-19
"Rona"
THE Virus
We watched it slowly approach the US. I worried. The government worried. Some laughed it off as "just the flu". And then March came and the world changed.
March 9the approached and things felt different. I can't quite put my finger on it but I knew next week wasn't going to start like this week. And I couldn't have been more right.
March 13th - day 1 of "social distancing" and a new type of anxiousness.
But to understand it all, I have to back up. Back up to 2019.
In January of 2019, I somehow convinced my husband that we should become a licensed foster home. After a few years of being a Court Appointed Special Advocate, the pull to foster care was strong.
Respite
Hotline
Extreme Short Term
That's what I was selling to him.
We did the training, we did the home study, we jumped through hoops, we were told respite but not hotline (for at least 6 months), we got licensed and we got the call.
September 16, 2019, at 2:40pm while laying on the bed with a migraine and trying to process the weekend events of our 20-year-old son, we got the call. At 5pm we got the 2nd call confirming they were on their way.
One night, 2 boys, fentanyl positive.
My response - we will take them for a week. Check-in with us and we can go from there.
A week later we told them they could stay a bit longer. Then in December, we got an "end date". That end date came and went and they are still here as the pandemic makes its way around the globe.
The timeline thus far:
March 12th - receive a call from Parker Charter canceling conferences for the next day so that teachers could "use the day to plan for significant anticipated disruptions to the school’s schedule and attendance patterns this spring."
Although I knew it was coming, things now felt very real.
March 13 - Parker Charter makes the decision to close for 2 weeks. WPI announces that Spring Break will be extended until March 24th and that classes will be moved online beginning the 25th for at least 2 weeks. No students will be allowed on campus during that time.
March 14 - Guild of St. Agnes closes all facilities for 2 weeks.
March 15 - Raytheon asks all employees who are performing jobs that can be done at home to do so.
March 16 - DCF suspends in-person parental visits, social worker visits, required reviews and notifies us that courts are closed.
March 18 - Massachusetts Governor (Charlier Baker) mandates school AND daycare closures through April 6th. He also mandates "essential workers" only.
March 20 - WPI announces that the remainder of D term will be done online and that the campus will remain closed.
March 25 - Massachusetts Governor extends school and daycare closure through May 4.
Things change day by day and seem to vary by state. VT has already announced the closures of their schools for the remainder of the year. Some states have stay at home orders while some have stay at home advisories. Somewhere in all of this GPS suspends soccer activities and the most recent announcement was through April 20th.
Grocery stores remain open. Some are stocked better than others and toilet paper still seems hard to come by but in the grand scheme, people have what they need to get by. For now.
So this takes us to today.
Day 19.
19 days of kids 24/7 ranging in age from 3-20 and a husband working from home.
19 days of occupying kids that don't belong to us while the kids that do belong to us can get work done.
Don't get me wrong, we care for the 2 boys like they are ours but if you had told me that a pandemic with countrywide closures and major social distancing would be happening 6 months after they arrived, we wouldn't have signed up for this gig. They are a lot of work. In-person visitation has been suspended and DCF requested foster parents supervise video visitation. So in between trying to figure out how to entertain them, make sure everyone else has what they need and trying to remain sane, I get the "pleasure" of supervising a visit between a mom and 2 of her 8 children. She comes on the screen all decked out. I come on the screen ragged and my hair in a knot. While she reveals that she didn't even know one of them was headed to kindergarten next year, I sit worrying about making sure he is ready for kindergarten. While she sits with only herself to worry about, I sit worrying about not only myself but the 6 others that live here and the adult son who lives a few hours away.
Day 19. The anxiousness grows. The "what ifs" grow - what if both Chris and I get it - what if our parents get it - what if the grocery store runs out of staples, again - what if school closes for the remainder of the year - what if - what if - what if.
Day 19 - seems like its been 10 years.
It's been 10 years since I have published on this blog. Why post after 10 years?
Novel Coronavirus
COVID-19
"Rona"
THE Virus
We watched it slowly approach the US. I worried. The government worried. Some laughed it off as "just the flu". And then March came and the world changed.
March 9the approached and things felt different. I can't quite put my finger on it but I knew next week wasn't going to start like this week. And I couldn't have been more right.
March 13th - day 1 of "social distancing" and a new type of anxiousness.
But to understand it all, I have to back up. Back up to 2019.
In January of 2019, I somehow convinced my husband that we should become a licensed foster home. After a few years of being a Court Appointed Special Advocate, the pull to foster care was strong.
Respite
Hotline
Extreme Short Term
That's what I was selling to him.
We did the training, we did the home study, we jumped through hoops, we were told respite but not hotline (for at least 6 months), we got licensed and we got the call.
September 16, 2019, at 2:40pm while laying on the bed with a migraine and trying to process the weekend events of our 20-year-old son, we got the call. At 5pm we got the 2nd call confirming they were on their way.
One night, 2 boys, fentanyl positive.
My response - we will take them for a week. Check-in with us and we can go from there.
A week later we told them they could stay a bit longer. Then in December, we got an "end date". That end date came and went and they are still here as the pandemic makes its way around the globe.
The timeline thus far:
March 12th - receive a call from Parker Charter canceling conferences for the next day so that teachers could "use the day to plan for significant anticipated disruptions to the school’s schedule and attendance patterns this spring."
Although I knew it was coming, things now felt very real.
March 13 - Parker Charter makes the decision to close for 2 weeks. WPI announces that Spring Break will be extended until March 24th and that classes will be moved online beginning the 25th for at least 2 weeks. No students will be allowed on campus during that time.
March 14 - Guild of St. Agnes closes all facilities for 2 weeks.
March 15 - Raytheon asks all employees who are performing jobs that can be done at home to do so.
March 16 - DCF suspends in-person parental visits, social worker visits, required reviews and notifies us that courts are closed.
March 18 - Massachusetts Governor (Charlier Baker) mandates school AND daycare closures through April 6th. He also mandates "essential workers" only.
March 20 - WPI announces that the remainder of D term will be done online and that the campus will remain closed.
March 25 - Massachusetts Governor extends school and daycare closure through May 4.
Things change day by day and seem to vary by state. VT has already announced the closures of their schools for the remainder of the year. Some states have stay at home orders while some have stay at home advisories. Somewhere in all of this GPS suspends soccer activities and the most recent announcement was through April 20th.
Grocery stores remain open. Some are stocked better than others and toilet paper still seems hard to come by but in the grand scheme, people have what they need to get by. For now.
So this takes us to today.
Day 19.
19 days of kids 24/7 ranging in age from 3-20 and a husband working from home.
19 days of occupying kids that don't belong to us while the kids that do belong to us can get work done.
Don't get me wrong, we care for the 2 boys like they are ours but if you had told me that a pandemic with countrywide closures and major social distancing would be happening 6 months after they arrived, we wouldn't have signed up for this gig. They are a lot of work. In-person visitation has been suspended and DCF requested foster parents supervise video visitation. So in between trying to figure out how to entertain them, make sure everyone else has what they need and trying to remain sane, I get the "pleasure" of supervising a visit between a mom and 2 of her 8 children. She comes on the screen all decked out. I come on the screen ragged and my hair in a knot. While she reveals that she didn't even know one of them was headed to kindergarten next year, I sit worrying about making sure he is ready for kindergarten. While she sits with only herself to worry about, I sit worrying about not only myself but the 6 others that live here and the adult son who lives a few hours away.
Day 19. The anxiousness grows. The "what ifs" grow - what if both Chris and I get it - what if our parents get it - what if the grocery store runs out of staples, again - what if school closes for the remainder of the year - what if - what if - what if.
Day 19 - seems like its been 10 years.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
the "6pm meltdown"
"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition" ~Alexander Smith
Some days I find that I need to take a step back and remind myself that things are not all about me and this was definitely one of those weeks.
The week certainly didn't "revolve" around me 100% by any stretch of the imagination but there were parts that I felt did. 3 days of running the bookfair, 1 day of working for a friend in a bind, my usual volunteering etc., but looking back if I could take back the "after 6pm" part of the day I would because it was way too self centered.
By 6pm each day I was exhausted. I seriously could have tucked myself in and gone to sleep if the kids would have agreed (they didn't but it was a good thought at the time!). Instead I was short on patience, too tired to "help" and didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. By the time Chris got home from a 3 day business trip "he couldn't do anything right"and I was stuck in a hole where life was all about me and only me. It is times like this that I need to start working hard at taking a step back, realizing that there will be weeks like this, that there is almost always a compromise and that I only get one shot at each day so make the most of it. I need be thankful of all that my husband does, of all that he gives and I need to meet him in the middle 100% of the time. I don't want to forget the excitement I still have when he comes home from work (which usually gets brushed aside quickly), or the longing I have for him when he is away and I'm swallowed in our King bed alone. I need to acknowledge more all the positives he has brought to my life. I need to have a better attitude after a long day and try to do better at being the person I want to be ALL day EVERY day.
Some days I find that I need to take a step back and remind myself that things are not all about me and this was definitely one of those weeks.
The week certainly didn't "revolve" around me 100% by any stretch of the imagination but there were parts that I felt did. 3 days of running the bookfair, 1 day of working for a friend in a bind, my usual volunteering etc., but looking back if I could take back the "after 6pm" part of the day I would because it was way too self centered.
By 6pm each day I was exhausted. I seriously could have tucked myself in and gone to sleep if the kids would have agreed (they didn't but it was a good thought at the time!). Instead I was short on patience, too tired to "help" and didn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt. By the time Chris got home from a 3 day business trip "he couldn't do anything right"and I was stuck in a hole where life was all about me and only me. It is times like this that I need to start working hard at taking a step back, realizing that there will be weeks like this, that there is almost always a compromise and that I only get one shot at each day so make the most of it. I need be thankful of all that my husband does, of all that he gives and I need to meet him in the middle 100% of the time. I don't want to forget the excitement I still have when he comes home from work (which usually gets brushed aside quickly), or the longing I have for him when he is away and I'm swallowed in our King bed alone. I need to acknowledge more all the positives he has brought to my life. I need to have a better attitude after a long day and try to do better at being the person I want to be ALL day EVERY day.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Progression of Life
As an adult I have never lost a friend.
I've never had to look a man in the eye that had just lost the love of his life.
I've never had to hold the hands of two little people who's world had been changed in ways they barely understood.
Until this month.
My friend died. I'd say she died of cancer but that would mean that the cancer won and it didn't. It didn't take her spirit, it didn't take the laughter, it didn't take hope, love, dreams or anything else that makes life. It didn't win because it didn't drag us apart. It instead brought us closer together.
The lessons she taught us, the lessons she taught her family, the 17 years she blessed this earth after cancer lost the first time are all miracles we will have forever. The two little people she helped bring into our lives will forever remind us of her, our love for her and the lessons she gave us.
Live....Laugh....Love.
God speed my friend....god speed.
I've never had to look a man in the eye that had just lost the love of his life.
I've never had to hold the hands of two little people who's world had been changed in ways they barely understood.
Until this month.
My friend died. I'd say she died of cancer but that would mean that the cancer won and it didn't. It didn't take her spirit, it didn't take the laughter, it didn't take hope, love, dreams or anything else that makes life. It didn't win because it didn't drag us apart. It instead brought us closer together.
The lessons she taught us, the lessons she taught her family, the 17 years she blessed this earth after cancer lost the first time are all miracles we will have forever. The two little people she helped bring into our lives will forever remind us of her, our love for her and the lessons she gave us.
Live....Laugh....Love.
God speed my friend....god speed.
Monday, January 18, 2010
First Impressions
I am overweight (not by a lot but according to all the "official" people I am).
I dress conservatively.
Despite being overweight I take the time to care about my appearance.
I like my hair to be done, my make up put on and to be dressed for the occasion every day.
Why am I mentioning this? Because for once, despite what I have always said, I have realized how quickly first impressions are made.
I went on a cruise out of Miami. A cruise that would be considered inexpensive to those that live within driving distance to the port. A three day getaway with an all you can eat feast, bars, entertainment and sun!
Seriously, what an interesting group of people on board. I was SHOCKED at how many of them dressed. SHORT skirts that barely covered their behinds, bikinis that showed so much they had to "tuck themselves" back in when they got up, pants that barely buttoned, shirts with so much cleavage it almost seemed like the shirt itself was an after thought.
Although I personally don't like to "show my stuff" I've never really minded when others do. Hey, its their body, they can do what they want with it. But these crossed the line. An over weight woman can find flattering clothes if she wants to and even if she can't she can certainly find clothes that fit. I felt like I had walked into High School where everyone was out to show what they've got and I wanted to be the principal who would enforce some sort of dress code.
My first impression wasn't good. The thought of "paid escort" ran through my head more times than I care to count. I just wonder if they know what their first impression was.
Now I have a good example when I tell my kids how important first impressions are. And I also know not to take my kids on a "short, inexpensive cruise out of Miami" (or most likely any other cruise port near a large city).
I dress conservatively.
Despite being overweight I take the time to care about my appearance.
I like my hair to be done, my make up put on and to be dressed for the occasion every day.
Why am I mentioning this? Because for once, despite what I have always said, I have realized how quickly first impressions are made.
I went on a cruise out of Miami. A cruise that would be considered inexpensive to those that live within driving distance to the port. A three day getaway with an all you can eat feast, bars, entertainment and sun!
Seriously, what an interesting group of people on board. I was SHOCKED at how many of them dressed. SHORT skirts that barely covered their behinds, bikinis that showed so much they had to "tuck themselves" back in when they got up, pants that barely buttoned, shirts with so much cleavage it almost seemed like the shirt itself was an after thought.
Although I personally don't like to "show my stuff" I've never really minded when others do. Hey, its their body, they can do what they want with it. But these crossed the line. An over weight woman can find flattering clothes if she wants to and even if she can't she can certainly find clothes that fit. I felt like I had walked into High School where everyone was out to show what they've got and I wanted to be the principal who would enforce some sort of dress code.
My first impression wasn't good. The thought of "paid escort" ran through my head more times than I care to count. I just wonder if they know what their first impression was.
Now I have a good example when I tell my kids how important first impressions are. And I also know not to take my kids on a "short, inexpensive cruise out of Miami" (or most likely any other cruise port near a large city).
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Overloaded Christmas
Many of us are guilty of overloading our kids with Christmas presents. The money that goes out the window can be overwhelming once tallied up. I want to change it but I knew I couldn't do it "cold turkey" so I started small.
I didn't encourage lists to Santa. Instead I listened when they said they "wanted" something. I made notes and did research. The first step in getting Christmas "un"overloaded was to ONLY buy things they would use. As cute as those ZhuZhu pets are, and as many times as I heard "I want one", I knew it would be played with for 30 minutes and never touched again. Out also went the big shopping trip Chris and I would do that would yield 90% of the gifts in one night. Those tended to be impulse buys and many rarely got touched.
So I got myself a membership to Amazon Prime (honestly one of the best purchases I've made all year!). When the kids would go to bed I would research and shop. They love crafts so 3 got Shrinky Dinks. They love playing outside so all 4 got roller blades. We love playing games so all 5 (including Chris) each got a game. Work boots, color your own unbrellas, mp3 speakers, clothes and many more practical things made their way under our tree. Their stockings were filled with inexpensive "fun" items (like the funny head that grows grass hair...$1 at Michaels) plus stuff that I would have bought anyway (stretchy gloves, hats, toothbrushes).
As I put stuff away after the kids went back to school I realized how successful we were. Only one item hadn't been opened and that was because he needed help with the directions and we thought it would be nice to do on a snow day.
So we are partly "unloaded". Next year we want to focus on the extended family. We got sucked into the $100 grab again this year where we pull a name and spent $100 on that person. Everyone puts together a wish list and sends it out. We always struggle to put things on our wish list. We have always been fortunate enough that if we need something we just go out and buy it so our lists are usually very short and on occassion contain random items just so we have a list. And the lists we get usually aren't all that different. Many are just wish lists for gift cards. Yes, we are free to buy what we want and ignore the list but rarely does that happen.
So I have made a decision.....If I do opt to do the grab next year my wish list will contain things like "vaccines for 10 children", a "flock of chickens", a donation to XYZ charity etc. I think it might be worth the $100 I'd have to spend on a relative just to be able to send out my email that sends a different message than "I want". I may also decide not to participate but will try and find a way to show people that there are so many better options for their $100!
I think that will also be my focus next year with my kids. Moving things away from "them" and turning it to "others". A flock of chickens for one, honey bees for the next, dairy animals for the 3rd and maybe even a fishing boat for the 4th. And maybe if I'm lucky I will get the same gifts given in my name in return.
I didn't encourage lists to Santa. Instead I listened when they said they "wanted" something. I made notes and did research. The first step in getting Christmas "un"overloaded was to ONLY buy things they would use. As cute as those ZhuZhu pets are, and as many times as I heard "I want one", I knew it would be played with for 30 minutes and never touched again. Out also went the big shopping trip Chris and I would do that would yield 90% of the gifts in one night. Those tended to be impulse buys and many rarely got touched.
So I got myself a membership to Amazon Prime (honestly one of the best purchases I've made all year!). When the kids would go to bed I would research and shop. They love crafts so 3 got Shrinky Dinks. They love playing outside so all 4 got roller blades. We love playing games so all 5 (including Chris) each got a game. Work boots, color your own unbrellas, mp3 speakers, clothes and many more practical things made their way under our tree. Their stockings were filled with inexpensive "fun" items (like the funny head that grows grass hair...$1 at Michaels) plus stuff that I would have bought anyway (stretchy gloves, hats, toothbrushes).
As I put stuff away after the kids went back to school I realized how successful we were. Only one item hadn't been opened and that was because he needed help with the directions and we thought it would be nice to do on a snow day.
So we are partly "unloaded". Next year we want to focus on the extended family. We got sucked into the $100 grab again this year where we pull a name and spent $100 on that person. Everyone puts together a wish list and sends it out. We always struggle to put things on our wish list. We have always been fortunate enough that if we need something we just go out and buy it so our lists are usually very short and on occassion contain random items just so we have a list. And the lists we get usually aren't all that different. Many are just wish lists for gift cards. Yes, we are free to buy what we want and ignore the list but rarely does that happen.
So I have made a decision.....If I do opt to do the grab next year my wish list will contain things like "vaccines for 10 children", a "flock of chickens", a donation to XYZ charity etc. I think it might be worth the $100 I'd have to spend on a relative just to be able to send out my email that sends a different message than "I want". I may also decide not to participate but will try and find a way to show people that there are so many better options for their $100!
I think that will also be my focus next year with my kids. Moving things away from "them" and turning it to "others". A flock of chickens for one, honey bees for the next, dairy animals for the 3rd and maybe even a fishing boat for the 4th. And maybe if I'm lucky I will get the same gifts given in my name in return.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree....
The ritual rarely changes in our house.
The tree goes up within days after Thanksgiving. The decorations go up within minutes of the tree being declared "stable" and we only use white lights.
I love my tree. Each ornament has some meaning behind it.
36 Christmas's ago my mother started a rather "short" tradition. She would hand paint ceramic ornaments and sign each "Love Mommy" with the year. I have all 6 of the ornaments she made me. Some are starting to show their age but each year they find their branch at the top of the tree (out of reach from little hands).
This is a tradition that I continued. Each year for the past 11 years my kids have all gotten personalized ornaments handmade by me. And each year I carefully unwrap each ornament and separate them into their own piles so they each put up their own ornament. They are extra careful with these and never has one been broken. Sure, ornaments have been broken but never the "special" ones.
This year it was interesting to hear the kids. The boys showed the girls the ornaments they got "before they were alive" (quoted from our 10 year old). The girls asked about my old ornaments and about all the other ornaments that were put at the top of the tree (still considered the "safe" spot even though our oldest is taller than I am). E. even asked if she could have two specific ornaments that were my grandmothers when she grew up and when I told her yes she quickly got a pen and paper and made me sign a "contract".
It was a great way to start the Christmas season.
As for the white lights...well, its all I like and I won't apologize for it! Colored lights and tinsel have no place here. White with plenty of sentimental ornaments are welcome!
The tree goes up within days after Thanksgiving. The decorations go up within minutes of the tree being declared "stable" and we only use white lights.
I love my tree. Each ornament has some meaning behind it.
36 Christmas's ago my mother started a rather "short" tradition. She would hand paint ceramic ornaments and sign each "Love Mommy" with the year. I have all 6 of the ornaments she made me. Some are starting to show their age but each year they find their branch at the top of the tree (out of reach from little hands).
This is a tradition that I continued. Each year for the past 11 years my kids have all gotten personalized ornaments handmade by me. And each year I carefully unwrap each ornament and separate them into their own piles so they each put up their own ornament. They are extra careful with these and never has one been broken. Sure, ornaments have been broken but never the "special" ones.
This year it was interesting to hear the kids. The boys showed the girls the ornaments they got "before they were alive" (quoted from our 10 year old). The girls asked about my old ornaments and about all the other ornaments that were put at the top of the tree (still considered the "safe" spot even though our oldest is taller than I am). E. even asked if she could have two specific ornaments that were my grandmothers when she grew up and when I told her yes she quickly got a pen and paper and made me sign a "contract".
It was a great way to start the Christmas season.
As for the white lights...well, its all I like and I won't apologize for it! Colored lights and tinsel have no place here. White with plenty of sentimental ornaments are welcome!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Perspective
(my feelings after hearing someone speak of another family that was "worse off" than her family, our family etc.)
There is always going to be someone that is "worse off than you".
I know I've said that before.
But what does it mean exactly?
Does it mean that we aren't supposed to "feel bad" for a situation we might find ourselves in?
Does it give us a different perspective on various things?
In the past 12 1/2 years we have dealt with 3 premature births (all 30 weeks), my mother with breast cancer, my cousin with breast cancer, my grandmother in law with breast cancer, my father with colon cancer and a surgery not what we expected, 5 + years and counting of chronic migraines for a child that just turned 10, surgery for Chris that ended up infected requiring disability leave, cellulitis more times than I care to count, 4 surgeries for me, doing CPR on our bedroom floor on our 10 week old daughter, months in the hospital, a Nana with dementia who no longer knows us and can't care for herself in anyway, the death of my Papa, life threatening allergic reactions, various medical issues for Chris PLUS all the "normal" medical stuff that comes with 4 kids.
I've got the right perspective. I don't need to switch places with someone who is "worse off than me". I know how fragile life is. I know what it is like to have a child in pain. I vividly remember finding my daughter grey and limp in her crib. I remember, like it was yesterday, being told they didnt' think L. would make it through the day. I can remember making the phone calls to family.
I feel for those that are "worse off". I really do.
I am thankful all of my children, under their own power, will get up in the morning. I really am.
And if you find a new perspective by looking at someone who is "worse off than you" I'm happy for you. I really am.
But please understand that our life hasn't been easy. I don't need to walk in someone elses shoes who are "worse off" than us because I get it. All of those emotions of the past 12 1/2 years are still here. Still present and still as raw as they were on those days. Please understand that I am not complaining because I wouldn't trade my kids or my family for the world. Please realize that you don't fully know our "perspective on life" because you weren't here when the bulk of it happened. And by that I mean physically here, in our home, by our sides. You knew of the happenings here with conversations over the phone.
I would change very little in my life. All the things we have gone through have changed us as people. Changed us as husband and wife, as mother and father and as friends. They have made us better and for that I will forever be thankful.
There is always going to be someone that is "worse off than you".
I know I've said that before.
But what does it mean exactly?
Does it mean that we aren't supposed to "feel bad" for a situation we might find ourselves in?
Does it give us a different perspective on various things?
In the past 12 1/2 years we have dealt with 3 premature births (all 30 weeks), my mother with breast cancer, my cousin with breast cancer, my grandmother in law with breast cancer, my father with colon cancer and a surgery not what we expected, 5 + years and counting of chronic migraines for a child that just turned 10, surgery for Chris that ended up infected requiring disability leave, cellulitis more times than I care to count, 4 surgeries for me, doing CPR on our bedroom floor on our 10 week old daughter, months in the hospital, a Nana with dementia who no longer knows us and can't care for herself in anyway, the death of my Papa, life threatening allergic reactions, various medical issues for Chris PLUS all the "normal" medical stuff that comes with 4 kids.
I've got the right perspective. I don't need to switch places with someone who is "worse off than me". I know how fragile life is. I know what it is like to have a child in pain. I vividly remember finding my daughter grey and limp in her crib. I remember, like it was yesterday, being told they didnt' think L. would make it through the day. I can remember making the phone calls to family.
I feel for those that are "worse off". I really do.
I am thankful all of my children, under their own power, will get up in the morning. I really am.
And if you find a new perspective by looking at someone who is "worse off than you" I'm happy for you. I really am.
But please understand that our life hasn't been easy. I don't need to walk in someone elses shoes who are "worse off" than us because I get it. All of those emotions of the past 12 1/2 years are still here. Still present and still as raw as they were on those days. Please understand that I am not complaining because I wouldn't trade my kids or my family for the world. Please realize that you don't fully know our "perspective on life" because you weren't here when the bulk of it happened. And by that I mean physically here, in our home, by our sides. You knew of the happenings here with conversations over the phone.
I would change very little in my life. All the things we have gone through have changed us as people. Changed us as husband and wife, as mother and father and as friends. They have made us better and for that I will forever be thankful.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Where is God?
I was asked what my relationship with God was in a previous post. Its not a question I've been asked before. I'm finally putting my answer into words. To anyone that reads here: this is not a post to be debated. These are my personal beliefs and in no particular order.
I was raised Catholic.
I believe in God.
I am no longer a Catholic. This was an informed choice I made as an adult.
I don't have an opinion that one religion is better than another.
I pray. Every day.
I believe the ultimate destiny of an individual is set before they step foot on this earth regardless of how they believe they got here.
I don't rely on God to direct me every day because I feel his "answers" to my prayers and believe he has forseen my future and has already put me in that right direction.
I believe my god is open minded, accepts people for what and who they are.
I believe my god offers forgivness with no strings attached.
I do not feel the need to gather with a congregation.
I have never, and never will, believe that my beliefs are the "only way". That "my way" is the only way to heaven or that someone elses beliefs are any less than mine.
I was raised Catholic.
I believe in God.
I am no longer a Catholic. This was an informed choice I made as an adult.
I don't have an opinion that one religion is better than another.
I pray. Every day.
I believe the ultimate destiny of an individual is set before they step foot on this earth regardless of how they believe they got here.
I don't rely on God to direct me every day because I feel his "answers" to my prayers and believe he has forseen my future and has already put me in that right direction.
I believe my god is open minded, accepts people for what and who they are.
I believe my god offers forgivness with no strings attached.
I do not feel the need to gather with a congregation.
I have never, and never will, believe that my beliefs are the "only way". That "my way" is the only way to heaven or that someone elses beliefs are any less than mine.
Simple Things
4 sick kids
no overlapping days
over the course of 3 weeks
14 school days in session, total of 12 missed between the 4.
movies, games, chitter chatter, homework, hot cocoa.
Simple things to fill the days.
Simple things that we tend to overlook on busy days.
I hate having my kids sick but I realized how I LOVE the simple things we do together when they are. I am back down to 1 mug in the morning....simple but not as fun as two.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
“Anxiety is the space between the "now" and the "then." (Richard Abell)
I realized when I started this blog that in order to "realize ME" I needed to be honest with myself. To, many times over, scrutinize myself. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between.
September 1st started a new chapter. A chapter that didn't have kids underfoot for about 1/2 of their waking day. It was strange to have the house to myself. What do I do? Where do I go? Maybe a 5th? Should I volunteer? Should I get a job? What should I do?
Over and over and over those types of questions went through my head. I couldn't deal with any of it. For 5 weeks I stayed home, sleeping, lying on the couch, watching tv, occasionally cleaning, searching the web, reading, folding laundry, procrastinating, panicking.
Panicking because as those 5 weeks came to an end my anxiety was back full force. With that came depression and with that came a never ending nightmare in my head.
I couldn't do this again. I didn't want to do this again. I knew this routine. I'd done it before and I never ever wanted to do it again. I felt like I again was losing at this game of life.
Five years ago I went through a bout of anxiety and depression that changed me. It got to the point that I couldn't hide it. It came to the point where I couldn't fudge another excuse for why it took me 2 hours to go to a store that should have only taken me 45 at most. The reality was that it would take me 15 minutes to drive to the store (all the while thinking about who I would see, how much I would spend, if they'd have what I needed) then another 30-40 minutes to actually get out of the car followed up by an hour slowly walking through the store, forgetting what I needed and checking out. Going home was the easy part. You can only make up excuses for so long.
Slowly my husband started saying stuff. Slowly he made me aware that he was aware of what was going on and that I needed help.
He called the doctor. He set up the appointment and for once in almost 6 months I was relieved. Relieved that I was going to get help. I spent the next 9 months seeing a therapist once a week to talk about my internal mind jamming nightmares. I medicated daily for almost 2 years. I learned to cope and understood the changes that brought me there. I told almost no one until after those first 2 years.
Fast forward to September 1st. A chapter I wasn't ready for. A chapter I wasn't ready to figure out how to cope with. I spiraled down faster than I had before.
I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack every day. It didn't matter what I was doing. I stayed home A LOT. I was short tempered. I had no energy. I'd freak out at the simplest things.
Then we went on vacation. We stayed in two rooms (not by choice but due to a cancellation of the adults staying in the 2nd room that wasn't adjoining to the first). I spent many nights thinking. Many early mornings staring at the ocean acknowledging to myself the demons lurking in my head. I finally "got it". For 12 years there has been no "I". Even when I got sick and had to be hospitalized or put on bed rest etc., there was always the worry about them. Now they were older. They went off to school and they didn't need me like they used to. Even our oldest was having a great year and didn't need me to keep on him about homework and tasks around the house. R. had learned how to deal with his Migraines more by himself. He could find his medication, get in the shower, cover the window, wrap the toilet in a towel and wasn't asking me to lay with him as often. Our mornings were no longer chaotic rushes. I had spent the first 2 weeks of school working on the "little details" and also paying better attention to the clock to avoid the chaos but that also meant that they were doing what they were supposed to be doing all along instead of me scrambling to do it for them. It left me feeling like *I* wasn't doing enough. It made me feel like I wasn't needed.
When we got home it was a rough week. Lots of tears when everyone was gone. I started telling Chris that I needed to take time right now to make things about ME. I needed to do a lot of sole searching. I needed to go to bed at a decent hour. I needed help during the times that were going to be chaos despite trying to get them to be the opposite. I needed to learn to say no and stick to my guns. I needed to cherish the times the kids did need me and learn to enjoy the late afternoon (my least favorite time of the day).
So I made changes. Some so small that only I could see, some so large that they surprised people (what do you mean R. isn't playing travel basketball? and the simple reply: I'm not superwoman. I can't do 4 practices and 3 games a week plus 2 days of dance. I can't and I won't and don't ask me again). I'm taking the time in the morning to face my demons. To realize that I don't always have to be on the go. To find people that I enjoy being with that don't run in the same scenes that I do. To accept the fact that my kids are growing up to be wonderful caring responsible human beings that I had a hand in molding and I will continue to help mold. To be ok with the "now" and the "then".
Things aren't perfect. I have continued to have the occasional anxiety attack. I have however made a promise to myself. If it continues, if it gets worse, if the floor starts to drop that I won't be to proud to ask for help but instead be proud that I have come so far that I can ask for help.
September 1st started a new chapter. A chapter that didn't have kids underfoot for about 1/2 of their waking day. It was strange to have the house to myself. What do I do? Where do I go? Maybe a 5th? Should I volunteer? Should I get a job? What should I do?
Over and over and over those types of questions went through my head. I couldn't deal with any of it. For 5 weeks I stayed home, sleeping, lying on the couch, watching tv, occasionally cleaning, searching the web, reading, folding laundry, procrastinating, panicking.
Panicking because as those 5 weeks came to an end my anxiety was back full force. With that came depression and with that came a never ending nightmare in my head.
I couldn't do this again. I didn't want to do this again. I knew this routine. I'd done it before and I never ever wanted to do it again. I felt like I again was losing at this game of life.
Five years ago I went through a bout of anxiety and depression that changed me. It got to the point that I couldn't hide it. It came to the point where I couldn't fudge another excuse for why it took me 2 hours to go to a store that should have only taken me 45 at most. The reality was that it would take me 15 minutes to drive to the store (all the while thinking about who I would see, how much I would spend, if they'd have what I needed) then another 30-40 minutes to actually get out of the car followed up by an hour slowly walking through the store, forgetting what I needed and checking out. Going home was the easy part. You can only make up excuses for so long.
Slowly my husband started saying stuff. Slowly he made me aware that he was aware of what was going on and that I needed help.
He called the doctor. He set up the appointment and for once in almost 6 months I was relieved. Relieved that I was going to get help. I spent the next 9 months seeing a therapist once a week to talk about my internal mind jamming nightmares. I medicated daily for almost 2 years. I learned to cope and understood the changes that brought me there. I told almost no one until after those first 2 years.
Fast forward to September 1st. A chapter I wasn't ready for. A chapter I wasn't ready to figure out how to cope with. I spiraled down faster than I had before.
I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack every day. It didn't matter what I was doing. I stayed home A LOT. I was short tempered. I had no energy. I'd freak out at the simplest things.
Then we went on vacation. We stayed in two rooms (not by choice but due to a cancellation of the adults staying in the 2nd room that wasn't adjoining to the first). I spent many nights thinking. Many early mornings staring at the ocean acknowledging to myself the demons lurking in my head. I finally "got it". For 12 years there has been no "I". Even when I got sick and had to be hospitalized or put on bed rest etc., there was always the worry about them. Now they were older. They went off to school and they didn't need me like they used to. Even our oldest was having a great year and didn't need me to keep on him about homework and tasks around the house. R. had learned how to deal with his Migraines more by himself. He could find his medication, get in the shower, cover the window, wrap the toilet in a towel and wasn't asking me to lay with him as often. Our mornings were no longer chaotic rushes. I had spent the first 2 weeks of school working on the "little details" and also paying better attention to the clock to avoid the chaos but that also meant that they were doing what they were supposed to be doing all along instead of me scrambling to do it for them. It left me feeling like *I* wasn't doing enough. It made me feel like I wasn't needed.
When we got home it was a rough week. Lots of tears when everyone was gone. I started telling Chris that I needed to take time right now to make things about ME. I needed to do a lot of sole searching. I needed to go to bed at a decent hour. I needed help during the times that were going to be chaos despite trying to get them to be the opposite. I needed to learn to say no and stick to my guns. I needed to cherish the times the kids did need me and learn to enjoy the late afternoon (my least favorite time of the day).
So I made changes. Some so small that only I could see, some so large that they surprised people (what do you mean R. isn't playing travel basketball? and the simple reply: I'm not superwoman. I can't do 4 practices and 3 games a week plus 2 days of dance. I can't and I won't and don't ask me again). I'm taking the time in the morning to face my demons. To realize that I don't always have to be on the go. To find people that I enjoy being with that don't run in the same scenes that I do. To accept the fact that my kids are growing up to be wonderful caring responsible human beings that I had a hand in molding and I will continue to help mold. To be ok with the "now" and the "then".
Things aren't perfect. I have continued to have the occasional anxiety attack. I have however made a promise to myself. If it continues, if it gets worse, if the floor starts to drop that I won't be to proud to ask for help but instead be proud that I have come so far that I can ask for help.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
7 days, 4 countries, 4 flights, 4 kids, an ocean full of fun
Months ago we started talking about taking the kids on a cruise. We asked my in laws to join us and we booked ourselves on the Carnival Legend.
After months of anticipation by the kids the day finally came. There was a bit of sadness because our in laws had to back out but overall they were psyched.
We flew first to Tampa and spent the night before boarding the Carnival Legend. We had a fantastic time and toured parts of Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize and Isle of Roatan Honduras. Cruises are one vacation that truly pulls us together as a family. Excursions are usually booked before we get on the ship so we already know what we are doing each port day (but are also easily changed if we change our minds). No thinking about meals, cleaning your room, finding something to do or wondering if everyone is enjoying themselves. There is always things for the kids to do if you want some time alone and you don't have to worry about being home in time for the babysitter. For us it is a perfect way to vacation.
Now, I must say, I didn't always feel this way about cruising. Years ago on our first cruise I didn't "get it". Didn't get what was so great about being "stuck" on a ship. I didn't get the whole relaxing thing. Our favorite vacation up to that point was Disney World. Definitely not a vacation that I would call overly relaxing.
The weather was fantastic, the seas smooth, the ship gorgeous and the itinerary amazing. Would do it again in a heart beat. Even though Chris and I split up at night between the two rooms it was fantastic. To see the boys independence was awesome. A. came and went all day. He loved ordering his Soda from the bar or running up to the buffet. He seemed so grown up. There is no question he is almost a teenager! R. showed us a side we rarely get to see. He didn't need us, or want us, as much as he usually does. He liked going off with Andrew and thought it was "way cool" when we gave him permission to check himself in and out of the kids club. When he was with us he liked talking and was relaxed in doing so. The girls were their typical running, playing, being cute, having fun, trying new things selves but surprisingly they almost always got along. Definitely fun to see that!
I'll add pictures when I can...right now blogger doesn't want to cooperate at all!
After months of anticipation by the kids the day finally came. There was a bit of sadness because our in laws had to back out but overall they were psyched.
We flew first to Tampa and spent the night before boarding the Carnival Legend. We had a fantastic time and toured parts of Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize and Isle of Roatan Honduras. Cruises are one vacation that truly pulls us together as a family. Excursions are usually booked before we get on the ship so we already know what we are doing each port day (but are also easily changed if we change our minds). No thinking about meals, cleaning your room, finding something to do or wondering if everyone is enjoying themselves. There is always things for the kids to do if you want some time alone and you don't have to worry about being home in time for the babysitter. For us it is a perfect way to vacation.
Now, I must say, I didn't always feel this way about cruising. Years ago on our first cruise I didn't "get it". Didn't get what was so great about being "stuck" on a ship. I didn't get the whole relaxing thing. Our favorite vacation up to that point was Disney World. Definitely not a vacation that I would call overly relaxing.
The weather was fantastic, the seas smooth, the ship gorgeous and the itinerary amazing. Would do it again in a heart beat. Even though Chris and I split up at night between the two rooms it was fantastic. To see the boys independence was awesome. A. came and went all day. He loved ordering his Soda from the bar or running up to the buffet. He seemed so grown up. There is no question he is almost a teenager! R. showed us a side we rarely get to see. He didn't need us, or want us, as much as he usually does. He liked going off with Andrew and thought it was "way cool" when we gave him permission to check himself in and out of the kids club. When he was with us he liked talking and was relaxed in doing so. The girls were their typical running, playing, being cute, having fun, trying new things selves but surprisingly they almost always got along. Definitely fun to see that!
I'll add pictures when I can...right now blogger doesn't want to cooperate at all!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Kitchen Cabinets
Kitchen cabinets can be the bane of my existence many days of the week. I try, I honestly do, to keep them organized. I am not intentionally trying to amputate my husbands finger when he reaches into the "drawer next to the dishwasher" or trying to ruin my 12 year olds life because the field trip paper he needed entered the never never land of the "big" junk drawer.
They tend to get messy when the kids put things away because its usually done in a rush. Now that I find that I am emptying the dishwasher more often than they are I thought I start tackling them. Although I didn't do ALL of the cabinets and drawers, I did organize 2 drawers and 6 cabinets. Here are a couple of before (top) and after (bottom) shots.
"Don't amputate a finger" Drawer
They tend to get messy when the kids put things away because its usually done in a rush. Now that I find that I am emptying the dishwasher more often than they are I thought I start tackling them. Although I didn't do ALL of the cabinets and drawers, I did organize 2 drawers and 6 cabinets. Here are a couple of before (top) and after (bottom) shots.
"Rubbermaid" cabinet
Small Appliance Cabinets
"Don't amputate a finger" Drawer
That only leaves 13 more cabinets and 8 more drawers to be done. I just hope that by the time I get to them these still look good or at least before the 12 year old brings home the next field trip paper!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Friends with bumps
I have friends. Plenty of them.
Some I see every day. Some I talk to every day. Some I talk to only a few times a year. Some I've had for 25 years.
Today I was with my friend. A "new" friend. By "new" I mean I've known her about 3 years.
She had a bump. 2 of them actually. Growing on one of those parts that only us women have. One is nothing and will go away on its own. The other needed further evaluation. Follow up appointments were scheduled and I volunteered to go with her. I have learned over the years that these appointments are not ones you go to alone.
Back to the bumps. The big one specifically. Big enough that the U/S tech couldn't contain his concern which of course freaked out my friend. She returned to the waiting room visibly upset. I start going through the next few hours in my head. I'll call her husband. I'll call her friends. I'll console and give pep talks. I'll show her the video of R. breaking pretzels that were stuck up his nose with his tongue because its all I had. Yep, I'll do what I have to do to make things "better".
We head to meet with the doctor where I sit behind a curtain jotting down notes while the doctor pokes at the big bump.
She doesn't think its cancer.
Tears gradually go away. Composure is found and a huge weight is lifted.
She gets all the info she can and heads home to wait for the next step.
Friends helped with both of our kids. Friends called as soon as they found out we were back. Friends, not only concerned about our friend, but concerned about me. Totally unselfish. Totally standing at the ready should it have been the dreaded C word.
I never want another friend to go through what my friend did yesterday. The emotions, the fear, the flashing of the future before her eyes. But if they do, I hope they can go through it with friends like mine.
Have I said that I love my friends? Every single one of them even with bumps?
Some I see every day. Some I talk to every day. Some I talk to only a few times a year. Some I've had for 25 years.
Today I was with my friend. A "new" friend. By "new" I mean I've known her about 3 years.
She had a bump. 2 of them actually. Growing on one of those parts that only us women have. One is nothing and will go away on its own. The other needed further evaluation. Follow up appointments were scheduled and I volunteered to go with her. I have learned over the years that these appointments are not ones you go to alone.
Back to the bumps. The big one specifically. Big enough that the U/S tech couldn't contain his concern which of course freaked out my friend. She returned to the waiting room visibly upset. I start going through the next few hours in my head. I'll call her husband. I'll call her friends. I'll console and give pep talks. I'll show her the video of R. breaking pretzels that were stuck up his nose with his tongue because its all I had. Yep, I'll do what I have to do to make things "better".
We head to meet with the doctor where I sit behind a curtain jotting down notes while the doctor pokes at the big bump.
She doesn't think its cancer.
Tears gradually go away. Composure is found and a huge weight is lifted.
She gets all the info she can and heads home to wait for the next step.
Friends helped with both of our kids. Friends called as soon as they found out we were back. Friends, not only concerned about our friend, but concerned about me. Totally unselfish. Totally standing at the ready should it have been the dreaded C word.
I never want another friend to go through what my friend did yesterday. The emotions, the fear, the flashing of the future before her eyes. But if they do, I hope they can go through it with friends like mine.
Have I said that I love my friends? Every single one of them even with bumps?
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