“Anxiety is the space between the "now" and the "then." (Richard Abell)

I realized when I started this blog that in order to "realize ME" I needed to be honest with myself. To, many times over, scrutinize myself. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything in between.

September 1st started a new chapter. A chapter that didn't have kids underfoot for about 1/2 of their waking day. It was strange to have the house to myself. What do I do? Where do I go? Maybe a 5th? Should I volunteer? Should I get a job? What should I do?

Over and over and over those types of questions went through my head. I couldn't deal with any of it. For 5 weeks I stayed home, sleeping, lying on the couch, watching tv, occasionally cleaning, searching the web, reading, folding laundry, procrastinating, panicking.

Panicking because as those 5 weeks came to an end my anxiety was back full force. With that came depression and with that came a never ending nightmare in my head.

I couldn't do this again. I didn't want to do this again. I knew this routine. I'd done it before and I never ever wanted to do it again. I felt like I again was losing at this game of life.

Five years ago I went through a bout of anxiety and depression that changed me. It got to the point that I couldn't hide it. It came to the point where I couldn't fudge another excuse for why it took me 2 hours to go to a store that should have only taken me 45 at most. The reality was that it would take me 15 minutes to drive to the store (all the while thinking about who I would see, how much I would spend, if they'd have what I needed) then another 30-40 minutes to actually get out of the car followed up by an hour slowly walking through the store, forgetting what I needed and checking out. Going home was the easy part. You can only make up excuses for so long.

Slowly my husband started saying stuff. Slowly he made me aware that he was aware of what was going on and that I needed help.

He called the doctor. He set up the appointment and for once in almost 6 months I was relieved. Relieved that I was going to get help. I spent the next 9 months seeing a therapist once a week to talk about my internal mind jamming nightmares. I medicated daily for almost 2 years. I learned to cope and understood the changes that brought me there. I told almost no one until after those first 2 years.

Fast forward to September 1st. A chapter I wasn't ready for. A chapter I wasn't ready to figure out how to cope with. I spiraled down faster than I had before.

I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack every day. It didn't matter what I was doing. I stayed home A LOT. I was short tempered. I had no energy. I'd freak out at the simplest things.

Then we went on vacation. We stayed in two rooms (not by choice but due to a cancellation of the adults staying in the 2nd room that wasn't adjoining to the first). I spent many nights thinking. Many early mornings staring at the ocean acknowledging to myself the demons lurking in my head. I finally "got it". For 12 years there has been no "I". Even when I got sick and had to be hospitalized or put on bed rest etc., there was always the worry about them. Now they were older. They went off to school and they didn't need me like they used to. Even our oldest was having a great year and didn't need me to keep on him about homework and tasks around the house. R. had learned how to deal with his Migraines more by himself. He could find his medication, get in the shower, cover the window, wrap the toilet in a towel and wasn't asking me to lay with him as often. Our mornings were no longer chaotic rushes. I had spent the first 2 weeks of school working on the "little details" and also paying better attention to the clock to avoid the chaos but that also meant that they were doing what they were supposed to be doing all along instead of me scrambling to do it for them. It left me feeling like *I* wasn't doing enough. It made me feel like I wasn't needed.

When we got home it was a rough week. Lots of tears when everyone was gone. I started telling Chris that I needed to take time right now to make things about ME. I needed to do a lot of sole searching. I needed to go to bed at a decent hour. I needed help during the times that were going to be chaos despite trying to get them to be the opposite. I needed to learn to say no and stick to my guns. I needed to cherish the times the kids did need me and learn to enjoy the late afternoon (my least favorite time of the day).

So I made changes. Some so small that only I could see, some so large that they surprised people (what do you mean R. isn't playing travel basketball? and the simple reply: I'm not superwoman. I can't do 4 practices and 3 games a week plus 2 days of dance. I can't and I won't and don't ask me again). I'm taking the time in the morning to face my demons. To realize that I don't always have to be on the go. To find people that I enjoy being with that don't run in the same scenes that I do. To accept the fact that my kids are growing up to be wonderful caring responsible human beings that I had a hand in molding and I will continue to help mold. To be ok with the "now" and the "then".

Things aren't perfect. I have continued to have the occasional anxiety attack. I have however made a promise to myself. If it continues, if it gets worse, if the floor starts to drop that I won't be to proud to ask for help but instead be proud that I have come so far that I can ask for help.

7 days, 4 countries, 4 flights, 4 kids, an ocean full of fun

Months ago we started talking about taking the kids on a cruise. We asked my in laws to join us and we booked ourselves on the Carnival Legend.

After months of anticipation by the kids the day finally came. There was a bit of sadness because our in laws had to back out but overall they were psyched.

We flew first to Tampa and spent the night before boarding the Carnival Legend. We had a fantastic time and toured parts of Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Belize and Isle of Roatan Honduras. Cruises are one vacation that truly pulls us together as a family. Excursions are usually booked before we get on the ship so we already know what we are doing each port day (but are also easily changed if we change our minds). No thinking about meals, cleaning your room, finding something to do or wondering if everyone is enjoying themselves. There is always things for the kids to do if you want some time alone and you don't have to worry about being home in time for the babysitter. For us it is a perfect way to vacation.

Now, I must say, I didn't always feel this way about cruising. Years ago on our first cruise I didn't "get it". Didn't get what was so great about being "stuck" on a ship. I didn't get the whole relaxing thing. Our favorite vacation up to that point was Disney World. Definitely not a vacation that I would call overly relaxing.

The weather was fantastic, the seas smooth, the ship gorgeous and the itinerary amazing. Would do it again in a heart beat. Even though Chris and I split up at night between the two rooms it was fantastic. To see the boys independence was awesome. A. came and went all day. He loved ordering his Soda from the bar or running up to the buffet. He seemed so grown up. There is no question he is almost a teenager! R. showed us a side we rarely get to see. He didn't need us, or want us, as much as he usually does. He liked going off with Andrew and thought it was "way cool" when we gave him permission to check himself in and out of the kids club. When he was with us he liked talking and was relaxed in doing so. The girls were their typical running, playing, being cute, having fun, trying new things selves but surprisingly they almost always got along. Definitely fun to see that!

I'll add pictures when I can...right now blogger doesn't want to cooperate at all!