Day 40
Its been 24 hours since Governor Baker's announcement that schools will remain online for the remainder of the 2019/2020 school year.
I expected it but it's still a hard pill to swallow.
Back when WPI announced their closure and the move to online for D term I cried for Ryan. College has a huge social component and in the blink of an eye, it was gone. The kid who blossomed when he got to college was now home. His fraternity closed. His friends back at their respective homes.
And yesterday's announcement threw any idea of Elisa and Lauren going back in person to finish out their Junior year out the window. The in-person social component is gone. The daily rituals of them getting up, stressing about being late, rushing out the door - cut short. Prom, Junior Trip, the start of off-campus privileges as a junior all stopped before they even started. In the big picture I know it will be ok but it's hard to see their world come crashing down around them because at 17 this is a big deal.
Tears for Andrew who won't get to finish out his first year as a teacher in the normal way. The remainder of his first year of teaching now remote.
So today I shed tears for them. Tears for the loss of their norm. Wanting to so desperately to fix it but knowing there is nothing that I can do to bring their lives back to "normal". Nothing I can do to give them back the experiences they have been waiting for. This hurts more than I ever expected. One day they were at school, the next they were home, for the rest of the school year. No time to prepare. No time to wrap up loose ends. No time to laugh with their friends and talk about summer plans. Just upheaval. And tears.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
Monday, April 20, 2020
Guilt of the store
Day 38
I went to the store today. I suppose you could say it was an essential trip as I did buy a few packages of pasta and a hose but I also bought some unnecessary items.
I actually felt guilty. Felt bad for the cashier having to expose herself to people shopping for frivolous things. Felt guilty thinking I could have potentially brought something into our house and exposing our kids for nothing more than a trip that could have waited.
I needed some normalcy. I needed to go out and see what was happening in the world at a place that wasn't the grocery store or the Target pick up line.
Strange to feel this way while doing something that was so normally 6 weeks ago.
The mental fight knowing we should stay home vs. the desire for normalcy is real. Oh so real.
I went to the store today. I suppose you could say it was an essential trip as I did buy a few packages of pasta and a hose but I also bought some unnecessary items.
I actually felt guilty. Felt bad for the cashier having to expose herself to people shopping for frivolous things. Felt guilty thinking I could have potentially brought something into our house and exposing our kids for nothing more than a trip that could have waited.
I needed some normalcy. I needed to go out and see what was happening in the world at a place that wasn't the grocery store or the Target pick up line.
Strange to feel this way while doing something that was so normally 6 weeks ago.
The mental fight knowing we should stay home vs. the desire for normalcy is real. Oh so real.
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
Alone .... but not alone
Day 27
Alone
Alone
Seems like an odd feeling to have when there are 6 other people in the house but that is how I am feeling almost 4 weeks into this pandemic.
Chris "goes" to work.
Ryan, Elisa and Lauren "go" to school.
Kingston and Jadiel do their little boy thing oblivious to what is going on.
At the end of the day everyone "comes home". They put away their laptops, step out of the office and want to relax. And I get that but it just continues my alone time. They all interact with humans outside of this house even if it is by screen or phone at some point during the day. I really don't have that so unless someone is willing to sit and play a game or just talk, I am alone.
I am longing for interaction that doesn't involve discussing gross little boy things or trying to get someone to help pick something up. I miss the periodic lunch out with friends. I miss the bumping into a friend unexpectedly at the store. I miss the small talk I have with cashiers. I miss the adult interaction when picking the little boys up at school.
While I enjoy the peace and quiet of the house before this all started, the extreme of this is overwhelmingly lonely.
Chris "goes" to work.
Ryan, Elisa and Lauren "go" to school.
Kingston and Jadiel do their little boy thing oblivious to what is going on.
At the end of the day everyone "comes home". They put away their laptops, step out of the office and want to relax. And I get that but it just continues my alone time. They all interact with humans outside of this house even if it is by screen or phone at some point during the day. I really don't have that so unless someone is willing to sit and play a game or just talk, I am alone.
I am longing for interaction that doesn't involve discussing gross little boy things or trying to get someone to help pick something up. I miss the periodic lunch out with friends. I miss the bumping into a friend unexpectedly at the store. I miss the small talk I have with cashiers. I miss the adult interaction when picking the little boys up at school.
While I enjoy the peace and quiet of the house before this all started, the extreme of this is overwhelmingly lonely.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Masks and dinner
Day 24
On 4/2 the CDC recommended that anyone who needed to go out wear something to cover their face. One of the concerns in all of this was asymptomatic people passing the virus on to others without knowing it. The masks, or so they say, may help.
So I sewed each of us a mask (including the little boys) as well as a few extra for my parents. Andrew also asked for a few so I will work on some for him and mail them to the Cape next week.
Chris also went to the basement looking to see if we had any leftover N95 masks from when we did the drywall in the basement many years ago. He found 4 tucked away in a box.
Early afternoon my parents took a ride out to deliver dinner and pick up their masks. They stayed in the driveway and we kept our distance (well, at least most of us did, the social distancing thing still seems a bit foreign to my mother who thought nothing of trying to help one of the little boys out with his bike). It was odd to not invite them in.
If you had asked me 4 weeks ago if I'd be sewing masks and forbidding my parents from coming into our home, I would have thought you were crazy. But here we are.
On 4/2 the CDC recommended that anyone who needed to go out wear something to cover their face. One of the concerns in all of this was asymptomatic people passing the virus on to others without knowing it. The masks, or so they say, may help.
So I sewed each of us a mask (including the little boys) as well as a few extra for my parents. Andrew also asked for a few so I will work on some for him and mail them to the Cape next week.
Chris also went to the basement looking to see if we had any leftover N95 masks from when we did the drywall in the basement many years ago. He found 4 tucked away in a box.
Early afternoon my parents took a ride out to deliver dinner and pick up their masks. They stayed in the driveway and we kept our distance (well, at least most of us did, the social distancing thing still seems a bit foreign to my mother who thought nothing of trying to help one of the little boys out with his bike). It was odd to not invite them in.
If you had asked me 4 weeks ago if I'd be sewing masks and forbidding my parents from coming into our home, I would have thought you were crazy. But here we are.
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Birthday Parades
Day 23
Kids look forward to their next birthday the day after their last. That is a fact.
So when you are turning 3 and you can't have anyone over to celebrate, your friends plan a parade.
Londyn turned 3 today and about 20 cars met down the street from her house to make a parade of cars. Gigantic pool floats, Sven from Frozen, streamers, signs, honking horns, blaring music, candy and presents being throw from car windows...it was a 3-year-olds dream come true.
People know how to make the best of any situation and this was no different. Seeing her smile made everything seem OK, even if just for a few minutes. And the little boys were super excited just to go somewhere in the car. The last time they had gone anywhere in the car was 3/25 (McDonald's drive-thru).... a good reminder that the little things really do matter.
Kids look forward to their next birthday the day after their last. That is a fact.
So when you are turning 3 and you can't have anyone over to celebrate, your friends plan a parade.
Londyn turned 3 today and about 20 cars met down the street from her house to make a parade of cars. Gigantic pool floats, Sven from Frozen, streamers, signs, honking horns, blaring music, candy and presents being throw from car windows...it was a 3-year-olds dream come true.
People know how to make the best of any situation and this was no different. Seeing her smile made everything seem OK, even if just for a few minutes. And the little boys were super excited just to go somewhere in the car. The last time they had gone anywhere in the car was 3/25 (McDonald's drive-thru).... a good reminder that the little things really do matter.
Friday, April 3, 2020
When the anxiety begins at 4am...
Day 22
I had to grocery shop. I planned, wrote lists, rearranged the lists, edited the lists, finalized the lists and went to bed...
until 4am when the anxiety and fear of going to the grocery store hit full force. I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling. A quick look at my phone showed that Walmart.com had a pick up spot open for Saturday between 2 and 3pm. But it was 4:12am and although anxious, the thought of getting up at 4am to put my order in before 5:12am was a bit much. I eventually fell asleep, waking at 7am to ZERO pick up times available at any location within a 50 miles radius of us.
So I get myself ready.
I put a change of pants in the garage and I head out to Shop N Save in Ayer. Not my normal spot for big shopping but its small and usually less crowded.
I wear my waterproof rain jacket zipped up high and a mask covering my face. I opt not to wear gloves in the store as my shopping list is on my phone and rumor has it gloves aren't much help in shopping situations anyway.
I shop for 2 weeks worth of groceries. I hope anyway. My cart was overflowing and I was balancing the produce on top as I made my way to the checkout. Dots on the floor mark the "wait here" social distancing recommendations. I am home within 90 minutes but it felt like forever.
I change in the garage and don't wear my shoes into the house. I have the kids help carry groceries in but instruct them to just put them on the counter.
I wash my hands, empty a bag, wash my hands, empty a bag. I do this until $400 in groceries are stored away.
And then I sat down and hoped this would last 2 weeks so I wouldn't have to go out again. And the second doubt started crossing my mind that they wouldn't, the anxiety started all over again.
I had to grocery shop. I planned, wrote lists, rearranged the lists, edited the lists, finalized the lists and went to bed...
until 4am when the anxiety and fear of going to the grocery store hit full force. I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling. A quick look at my phone showed that Walmart.com had a pick up spot open for Saturday between 2 and 3pm. But it was 4:12am and although anxious, the thought of getting up at 4am to put my order in before 5:12am was a bit much. I eventually fell asleep, waking at 7am to ZERO pick up times available at any location within a 50 miles radius of us.
So I get myself ready.
I put a change of pants in the garage and I head out to Shop N Save in Ayer. Not my normal spot for big shopping but its small and usually less crowded.
I wear my waterproof rain jacket zipped up high and a mask covering my face. I opt not to wear gloves in the store as my shopping list is on my phone and rumor has it gloves aren't much help in shopping situations anyway.
I shop for 2 weeks worth of groceries. I hope anyway. My cart was overflowing and I was balancing the produce on top as I made my way to the checkout. Dots on the floor mark the "wait here" social distancing recommendations. I am home within 90 minutes but it felt like forever.
I change in the garage and don't wear my shoes into the house. I have the kids help carry groceries in but instruct them to just put them on the counter.
I wash my hands, empty a bag, wash my hands, empty a bag. I do this until $400 in groceries are stored away.
And then I sat down and hoped this would last 2 weeks so I wouldn't have to go out again. And the second doubt started crossing my mind that they wouldn't, the anxiety started all over again.
Wednesday, April 1, 2020
Planning for the unplanned...
Day 20
Planning...
It consumes me lately.
Planning things for the little boys to do.
Planning things for the big kids to do.
Planning each meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and the snacks in between.
Meals consume a big portion of the planning.
Before the pandemic hit, going to the grocery store was no big deal. Forgot something? Just grab it the next time you are out. Decide you don't like what you had planned? Run out and switch it up. I pre-planned dinners only and made sure there was at least cereal for breakfast. Sometimes I would grab something for lunches on the weekends but I always banked on there being leftovers.
If the girls didn't find what they wanted for breakfast, they could grab something at school. Everyone was at school or work during lunch so that was easy. But now...
7 people are home 24/7. For every meal. For everything they put in their mouth. And they eat, a lot. Not a crazy amount but enough that the full refrigerator is empty by week's end.
I picked up canned goods and a few boxes of Mac and Cheese a month ago. I'm afraid to use it. Afraid that if I get sick, if Chris gets sick, that the kids will need easy to grab things.
So I plan.
Breakfast is the easiest. Eggs, Cereal, Yogurt, Toast.
Lunch requires a bit more planning because if I don't have enough of the same thing for 7 of us, I become a short-order cook.
Dinner is always preplanned. Main dish and sides. Written out in a neat and organized list.
But this time forgetting isn't as easy as jumping into the car. This time, planning means realizing I have to go out in a public space. Where germs are. Where I don't want to be.
So I write my list. Sort everything by aisle the best that I can. Wish that I was the type of mom that could serve my kids processed crap for the next two weeks so that I could grab some cans and run but I'm not. So I plan.
And this time I plan for two weeks. Two weeks' worth of groceries so I don't have to go out to a public space for two weeks. Plan for "longer lasting" vegetables. Plan for 7 people for 14 days. And when Chris acts surprised when he sees how long the list is I cringe. Cringe because the grocery bill has been astronomically high.
The planning keeps my mind off the situation at hand so maybe its been beneficial and I just don't realize it. Let's see how I feel about not having all this planning next week.
Planning...
It consumes me lately.
Planning things for the little boys to do.
Planning things for the big kids to do.
Planning each meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and the snacks in between.
Meals consume a big portion of the planning.
Before the pandemic hit, going to the grocery store was no big deal. Forgot something? Just grab it the next time you are out. Decide you don't like what you had planned? Run out and switch it up. I pre-planned dinners only and made sure there was at least cereal for breakfast. Sometimes I would grab something for lunches on the weekends but I always banked on there being leftovers.
If the girls didn't find what they wanted for breakfast, they could grab something at school. Everyone was at school or work during lunch so that was easy. But now...
7 people are home 24/7. For every meal. For everything they put in their mouth. And they eat, a lot. Not a crazy amount but enough that the full refrigerator is empty by week's end.
I picked up canned goods and a few boxes of Mac and Cheese a month ago. I'm afraid to use it. Afraid that if I get sick, if Chris gets sick, that the kids will need easy to grab things.
So I plan.
Breakfast is the easiest. Eggs, Cereal, Yogurt, Toast.
Lunch requires a bit more planning because if I don't have enough of the same thing for 7 of us, I become a short-order cook.
Dinner is always preplanned. Main dish and sides. Written out in a neat and organized list.
But this time forgetting isn't as easy as jumping into the car. This time, planning means realizing I have to go out in a public space. Where germs are. Where I don't want to be.
So I write my list. Sort everything by aisle the best that I can. Wish that I was the type of mom that could serve my kids processed crap for the next two weeks so that I could grab some cans and run but I'm not. So I plan.
And this time I plan for two weeks. Two weeks' worth of groceries so I don't have to go out to a public space for two weeks. Plan for "longer lasting" vegetables. Plan for 7 people for 14 days. And when Chris acts surprised when he sees how long the list is I cringe. Cringe because the grocery bill has been astronomically high.
The planning keeps my mind off the situation at hand so maybe its been beneficial and I just don't realize it. Let's see how I feel about not having all this planning next week.
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